my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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