i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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