I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
