Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
