I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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