I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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