There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
