It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
