My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Someone signed my nipple.
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