My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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