Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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