Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
