Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
