he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
