no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
