I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize