end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
