i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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