I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
