Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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