I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
