I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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