I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
