She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
