Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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