I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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