we made out on top of his cat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
