my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
