Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
