you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
