Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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