It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
