he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
