remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
