You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
