we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
