You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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