I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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