I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
