Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
