Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
