i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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