I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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