If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
