i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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