Are we in a gay sports bar?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
