Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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