when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
