as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She needs sedatives and a leash
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
