My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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