i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
