His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
