I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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