and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
