I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
