I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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