my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
