Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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