Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
