I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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