I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
