i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
