At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
