How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He? As in you personified your dick?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
