Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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