i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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