He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You smell like stripper and shame
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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