apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
